101 Things That Are NOT Your Waiter’s Fault

Restaurants have policies that are set by management not waitstaff. Yet, all too often, the person serving must bear the brunt of the guest’s frustration when something goes wrong. It’s fine to give negative feedback to your waiter but just remember…

The following list of things are NOT your waiter’s fault :

1)   The prices are too high.
2)   The portions are too small.
3)   The chef changed the menu.
4)   Your favorite dish was taken off.
5)   You couldn’t get an eight o’clock reservation.
6)   Your party will not be seated incomplete.
7)   You don’t like where you are seated.
8)   You need to order everything all at once.
9)   You are not allowed make substitutions.
10)   The restaurant doesn’t have any Vegan options.
11)   The restaurant doesn’t offer gluten-free desserts.
12)   The restaurant doesn’t serve any non-alcoholic cocktails.
13)   Your date is more interested in her cellphone than you.
14)   The restaurant doesn’t have any beers on draft.
15)   You think it’s drafty.
16)   The font of the menu is too small for you to read.
17)   The dining room is too dark for you to see the menu.
18)   You missed hearing the specials because you were on your phone.
19)   The specials are sold out.
20)   Your food is taking too long. You are in a rush.
21)   Your food is being served too fast. You feel rushed.
22)   Your food is too salty.
23)   Your food is bland.
24)   Your food is undercooked.
25)   Your food is burnt.
26)   American Express is not accepted.
27)   Discover Card is not accepted.
28)   Your expired gift card is not accepted.
29)   It’s “Cash Only.”
30)   There is only one bathroom.
31)   The restaurant doesn’t have Wifi.
32)   The restaurant doesn’t have a cord to charge your ten year-old Samsung cellphone.
33)   The restaurant doesn’t allow corkage.
34)   The restaurant’s corkage fee is too high.
35)   The restaurant won’t waive the corkage fee because you brought a bottle of wine from your birth year.
36)   You think the wine by the glass pour is chintzy.
37)   We don’t have Pinot Grigio by the glass.
38)   We don’t have half bottles.
39)   The wine markup is too high.
40)   The coffee is terrible.
41)   We don’t have skim milk.
42)   We don’t have soy milk.
43)   We don’t have almond milk.
44)   We don’t have Splenda.
45)   We don’t have agave syrup.
46)   We don’t have Baileys.
47)   We don’t have Tanqueray Ten.
48)   We don’t have Johnny Walker Blue.
49)   We don’t have Red Bull.
50)   We don’t take reservations.
51)   You’ve been calling all day but couldn’t get through to the reservation line.
52)   The restaurant is fully booked.
53)   We don’t have a waitlist.
54)   The restaurant is not open for lunch.
55)   The restaurant doesn’t serve brunch.
56)   We should keep our kitchen open later.
57)   We don’t open early enough.
58)   We don’t participate in Restaurant Week.
59)   We don’t have a kid’s menu.
60)   We don’t do half portions.
61)   We can’t split your dish in the kitchen for you.
62)   We didn’t comp the food item you complained about because you finished it.
63)   We didn’t comp anything because you are a food blogger.
64)   We don’t give away free desserts for birthdays.
65)   The staff didn’t sing Happy Birthday to your grandma.
66)   The host gave your table away because you were a half hour late.
67)   The coatcheck girl lost your Hermés bag.
68)   You are not allowed to smoke cigarettes..
69)   You are not allowed to smoke e-cigarettes.
70)   You are not allowed to smoke even though the restaurant is empty.
71)   You are not allowed to push two tables together for your friends joining you.
72)   You are denied being moved to a larger table even though it’s vacant.
73)   You can’t sit in a booth.
74)   We don’t have a height chair for your baby.
75)   We can’t make a Shirley Temple.
76)   We don’t have chicken fingers.
77)   We don’t serve penne pasta with butter.
78)   We can’t make your child penne pasta with butter just because we have penne pasta and butter.
79)   You can’t have your dish with the sauce on the side.
80)   You can’t have your salad with the dressing on the side.
81)   We don’t have blue cheese olives.
82)   We can’t make you blue cheese olives just because we have blue cheese and olives.
83)   You’re annoyed that we let you order too much food.
84)   You’re annoyed that we should have encouraged you to order more food.
85)   You’re annoyed that your food isn’t coming out “whenever it’s ready.”
86)   We refuse to acknowledge anyone who orders steak “Medium Rare to Medium”.
87)   The chef hammered the shit out of your perfect Medium Rare steak after you sent it back.
88)   We don’t have A1.
89)   Your mother is driving you nuts.
90)   Your girlfriend is driving you nuts.
91)   You are nuts.
92)   You have a severe nut allergy.
93)   You can’t accept the fact that pine nuts are actually legumes and therefore you are not allergic.
94)   You are in denial.
95)   We don’t allow dogs in the restaurant.
96)   We refuse to recognize your dog as an “Emotional Support Animal”.
97)   We refuse to do something even though you insist “we’ve done it for you here before.”
98)   The person who “did it for you here before” isn’t working here tonight.
99)   The person who “did it for you here before” only exists in your imagination.
100)   You are certain we changed chefs even though we’ve had the same chef since opening.
101)   You insist that you’ve dined here before but it’s obvious you are confusing us with another restaurant.

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6 Replies to “101 Things That Are NOT Your Waiter’s Fault”

  1. Don’t get so snarky about the allergy stuff. Pine nuts might be legumes, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be allergic to them. Peanuts are legumes too. Then again, who’s ever heard of a peanut allergy?

  2. There is a restaurant in Cincinnati that insists on keeping the restaurant so dark they tell their guests to use their phone flashlights to read the menu. This is unacceptable and not “trendy”. Just because they are part of a leading restaurateur’s dining establishments, they think they should be able to do this. I have voted with my feet, but that may not deter everyone….what do you think?

    1. I would think that if you hated it that much you could have left, yes. They should have flashlghts for menus if they’re going for a lounge-y vibe, which is probably what you encountered. It’s nothing new. It’s just different. Their only misstep is not accommodating you with a flashlight. If it’s literally too dark to see your food, then you probably shouldn’t try it. Or, you know, just complain about it online.

  3. To be quite real with you: I’ve served tables for 15 years and this is the exact kind of shitty entitled server attitude I encounter at every damn restaurant. THIS IS YOUR JOB. If you do it well, you get paid well. If you don’t do it well, you don’t get paid well. I guess we know which category you fall into….

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