The Restaurant Manifesto

A restaurant is supposed to make you feel at home, but a restaurant is not your home.  Some diners will inevitably feel uncomfortable with the ambience of a restaurant but how much right does each person have to impose his or her preferences on the room?  You think it’s too hot or too cold, too bright, too noisy or drafty, or too close to the bathroom.  Another guest is bothering you.  Every night, we do our best to create an atmosphere where design, lighting, music, and thermostat work in concert in service of the guest’s comfort; but it isn’t a perfect science.  Should you complain, management will do its best to help you feel at ease but the music we play or the temperature of the room are things that affect everyone.  Voice your displeasure if you must but don’t expect everything to be altered to suit your personal preference.

Playing one brand of music that everyone eating will enjoy at a volume suitable for everyone is impossible.  We’re sorry that you don’t think Led Zeppelin pairs well with risotto—but we do.  If a restaurant annoys you with the loud music they play, dine somewhere quieter.  No one’s forcing you to suffer through it.  But getting all grumpy-pants or throwing a hissy fit at the table isn’t proving anything to anyone.  You just end up looking like a big baby.  If we turn up the air conditioning because you wore a three-piece corduroy suit to dinner somebody in a summer dress will complain about the chill.  Any accommodations we make will invariably involve some compromise.  The guest’s needs should come first—we understand that—but your needs may soon subsume the needs of others.  Without rules, restaurants descend into anarchy. If your goal is to enjoy yourself, it is unwise to become an Enemy of the State.

When ordering food from a two-course menu it’s perfectly acceptable to skip the appetizer. But don’t expect your food to magically appear when it’s ready.  Restaurant kitchens don’t work like that.  Placing an order with only one course is what chefs call an “Order Fire”.  This means that when the order comes into the kitchen, it is ready to be fired.  Order Fire tickets drive chefs crazy because they disrupt the kitchen’s natural rhythm.

Here’s a simple primer on how food is expedited in most restaurants: All of the current orders are arranged chronologically according to when they are placed.  As soon as each order comes into the kitchen, appetizers for each table are fired in succession.  After the appetizers have been delivered, the corresponding ticket moves down the line and their main courses will be fired as soon as they are ready.  If a ticket comes in “Order Fire” that order cannot cut in front of the entree line without slowing the main courses for those tables that have already had appetizers.  A restaurant kitchen has a finite number of cooks that are equipped to produce only a specific amount of composed dishes at a time.  Certain dishes like steaks and chops need time to rest off the grill and cannot be rushed.  Usually the chef will try to sneak the Order Fire toward the beginning of the line but it will still usually result in a longer delay than expected. The idea that ordering less food will speed the arrival of your meal is a fallacy.  So do yourself a favor–order something small to snack on before your mains.  It will give the kitchen more time to carefully prepare your main courses–which tend to be more labor intensive–but also respects others dining around you making sure that their meals will not lag at your expense.