Peter Camarero, Author at The Restaurant Manifesto

Bartenders have a lot of power. They control the fun. Everyone wants to be their friend. Any given night they can get people drunk, laid or arrested. Also, they monitor the flow of alcohol, which means if you want to keep your whistle wet it pays to stay on their good side. So mind your P’s and Q’s and try not to piss them off! Here is a list of things you should avoid doing if you want to stay in your bartender’s good graces:

1. Waving your money around to get their attention – There is a fallacy that bartenders are more responsive when they see you flashing cash across the bar. This isn’t a strip club, Broseph. In most cases, obnoxiously waving money around will make the bartender perceive you as pushy and he or she will probably continue to ignore you. If they can’t get to you right away, it usually means they’re busy. Keep your money in your wallet—try flashing a smile instead.

2. Ruining top shelf spirits with unworthy mixers – Macallan 18 and Diet Coke? Really?? Really. You might be spending more money on drinks but your money can’t buy the bartender’s respect. Okay, okay—we know your banker friends will be impressed when you order your dirty martini with Stoli Crystal but the bartender serving you still thinks you’re a douchebag. We understand that calling for higher quality spirits helps circumvent the hangover-inducing effects of drinking from the well but sometimes respect comes with a price.

3. Insisting on complicated cocktail garnishes – You ordered a martini not a Greek salad so chill with the extra olives and cucumber slices, Hendricks Boy. We know you like to drink your vodka on the rocks with three ice cubes and five lime wedges so you can squeeze them in one at a time then ask for simple syrup and custom-make your own special little gimlet but it’s annoying. Just because we’ll do it for you, doesn’t make it right. Don’t even get us started on asking for blue cheese-stuffed olives. No, we don’t have them. No, we’re not going to make them for you.

4. Criticizing pour levels – In every watering hole, some drunken barfly will always blurt out, “You call that a drink?” when his Dewars-on-the-rocks arrives looking a little skimpy. Bartenders don’t set the measurements, management does. If you want more booze, order another drink (or ask for a double). If you don’t like the pour, go to another bar. But wasting energy giving your bartender the business won’t help the situation. It will only injure the relationship you have with them going forward. Ordering hard liquor in a wine glass isn’t going to make your drink bigger either. Nice try.

5. Having unrealistic expectations for virgin drinks – It’s not a coincidence that the word mocktails contains the word “mock.” The bartender will try to hide his or her disdain. It won’t be easy. Asking a bartender for a virgin cocktail is like asking a sportscar salesman to recommend a nice ten-speed bicycle. Maybe they’ll cut some slack for pregnant women, but otherwise if you’re looking for something fancy without alcohol most of the time you’re setting yourself up for disappointment.

6. Ordering Cosmos – We don’t care if it’s your mom’s favorite drink. The Cosmopolitan is an outdated cocktail that tastes like powdered Crystal Light pink lemonade mixed with vodka. Sure, one day in the future it might be considered retro and cool, but right now it’s tacky and 90’s. Servers and bartenders—unless their restaurant is adjacent to a mall—will look down on you for ordering one. We need to move on. We did it with Hootie and the Blowfish, and we can do it with the Cosmopolitan.

7. Talking about “ABV” or “IBU” when you order a beer – You’re the only one who cares. It’s just beer. Unless you’re drinking in an establishment that specializes in craft brews, the bartender doesn’t give two shits about the alcohol content or bitterness quotient. Most bartenders can’t tell the difference between pilsner and lager. If you ask for something “sessionable”—you should be cut off immediately. Order a Heineken and shut your pie hole, dude.

8. Staggering drink orders – When you’re with a large group of people, try your best to order drinks as a round instead of in a million fragments. Bartenders can get annoyed when your group is constantly running them around, one mojito at a time. If you show sensitivity to their needs by consolidating your drink orders, they will return the favor by being more attentive. Maybe they’ll even buy you some shots.

9. Lingering with empty glasses – Real estate at a bar is a valuable commodity. Camping out after you’ve finished drinking inhibits your bartender’s ability to monetize those seats. So don’t sit there taking up space with your watered-down, whiskey-soaked glass of melted ice. Order another drink! If not—for the love of God—stop hitting on drunk Cougars.

Even the best restaurants have off nights. The truly great ones stand apart because they don’t slip up very often. But every person can’t have a perfect meal at a restaurant every time—no matter how great it is. Unfortunately, as dining culture has grown so have our expectations. It’s not unusual to hear people describe meals as religious epiphanies using words like “euphoric” and “life-changing.” The truth is, most of the time we set ourselves up to be underwhelmed. As we raise the bar to unattainable levels, it creates a vicious cycle that suppresses our enjoyment of dining out.

We need to stop sensationalizing the way we talk about restaurants. When we have one bad experience—even if it’s the only time we’ve been to a restaurant—we have no compunction about slandering it to everyone we know. The food media stokes the fire with gossipy news and negatively-toned clickbait. When an influential critic denigrates an iconic restaurant (see: Pete Wells v. Per Se) it goes viral on social media. We may hate to admit it, but it’s much more satisfying theater having someone eviscerate an established restaurant than to praise an emerging one’s potential.

A restaurant is an imperfect organism, a complex ecosystem with many moving parts. When things are firing on all cylinders it can be a well-oiled machine behind the curtain and a beautifully orchestrated ballet on stage. But when you work in a restaurant, every night starts from zero. Nobody cares how good you were yesterday. The human component that fuels a restaurant’s operation gives it an even more unpredictable level of fallibility—language barriers, depressed wages, egos, alcohol abuse, drugs, burnout and apathy are all enemies of consistency. People make mistakes.

A restaurant staff’s performance is similar to that of a sports team or a troupe of actors. When the game or show starts, anything can happen. Even the most dominant team suffers an unexpected loss or the award-winning musical has a sloppy performance. Servers and cooks are trained rigorously to be precise in their day-to-day execution of tasks but the wheels can come off the wagon. Sometimes they fuck up. Even the most loyal diners have very little patience or understanding when restaurants get knocked off their center. But like theater and sport, the thrill of the live performance keeps the seats full and the audience hungry.

But we could stand to be more forgiving. Accepting that restaurants are flawed, we can learn to love them even with their faults—like staying in a relationship with someone despite their eccentricities. Coming from a more compassionate place, it shouldn’t be as disappointing when your steak is slightly overcooked or the pasta is not al dente. If you’re expecting to have a religious experience in a restaurant then you need to learn to have a little more faith.