The Restaurant Manifesto

Don’t call us, we’ll call you.

When you order decaf coffee, there’s no need to remind your server to make sure it’s not caffeinated. There is always a chance that anyone could go rogue and poison you with regular but, mostly, you’re just being paranoid. It’s pretty rare that even the most vindictive waiter pulls the old switcheroo with coffee service. Suspicious guests will usually attach a threat of calling us at 3 AM if it’s not really decaf. This doesn’t phase many servers, though, as we are rarely asleep by then. In fact, we’ll probably still be out at a bar drinking heavily and laughing with each other about how we snuck an espresso shot into your cup of decaf because of your threatening behavior. Just kidding!

When asking questions about the menu, be specific. It shows that you are willing to contribute something to the discourse and are engaged. Questions like “So, what’s good here?” or “What are your signature dishes?” drive servers batty. Are you looking for a seafood entree? Do you like pasta? Asking for help in a more specific way will help to focus the conversation and avoid the inevitability of the server recommending foods you don’t like. (ie. “What is your favorite fish dish on the menu?” or “If I’m having the pork chop as my entree, what appetizer would you recommend?”) Please don’t ever say, “If today was your last meal on earth, what would you order?” It’s so cliché. If it was the last day on earth, we’d probably eat somewhere else.